Lots of people ask me,"How can I stop being jealous?" The answer can be revealed in your past.
Jealous people are really wounded people who have adopted the emotion of jealousy as a self-defense mechanism of false protection of being hurt. They feel they can somehow control another's behavior and therefore prevent themselves from being hurt, betrayed, or left behind. The truth is you can never control another's behavior, all you can control is your fear of being hurt by it.
The First Step to Conquering Jealousy
The way to conquer jealousy is to use it to teach you the underlying reasons why you have had this emotion get out of balance and start to affect your life in a negative way. You will need to learn to manage the emotion and get to the bottom of where it originated instead of blaming your current situation.
The practice used to unravel your jealousy will be one of recall and awareness. Each time you get into a situation where your jealousy starts to come up, you will need to catch yourself before reacting to it. This will require a great deal of restraint and control on your part, but it is essential to getting this emotion back under control.
Let's start first by saying jealousy does have it's rightful purpose. Sometimes pangs of jealousy are warning signs that someone can't be trusted or that your situation may be threatened. That being said, the answer is still the same, we need to get rid of the fear in order to gain control over jealousy.
Being fearful of being betrayed, alone, or unloved are all that lie beneath jealousy. Once you can start to grasp this you can manage your wounds and realize that they are irrational.
All the control and worry in the world isn't going to stop someone from doing something that may hurt you. All that can stop it is your trust in yourself to not be dishonored by anyone and to know that you will not tolerate disrespect. Once you get this in place the fear can go away, because you are not going to allow anyone to hurt you. If someone does betray you that just won't be tolerated. When you move in this way you become less fearful. The real fear is one of not being able to protect yourself, not being strong enough to do what needs to be done. Once you shore up yourself and know that you will honor yourself, you stop being afraid of what others may do. You won't blame yourself for their actions, or take it personally. Their actions are theirs and they need not diminish you.
Where do you Start?
When you are in a situation and jealousy comes into the picture you need to remove yourself immediately from it. Go off by yourself and sit with the emotion. Ask yourself how you feel and why you feel the way you do. Just sit and wait as you pose this question over and over again. The answers will start to come one by one. You will remember situations that are stored in the subconscious that hurt you in your earlier years. Each time you go through one of these situations try to remember all the details you can. As you do this you are moving them from the subconscious to the conscious mind. All of your emotions flare up unconsciously from your past memory bank. As you remember these situations they begin to lose their hold on you. The more often you do this, the stronger you will become, and the less jealousy you will experience. You will start to know the difference between justified jealousy and unjustified jealousy. Then you can make a good decision from here if this person is someone you can trust or if you are just reacting to your past garbage.
Living Without Jealousy
Living free of jealousy is a wonderful experience. With it comes confidence and freedom like you may never have known. The strength you will gain from this new practice is immeasurable and can be used on every emotion you experience. Not only jealousy but anger, resentment, irritations and just about any other negative emotion you experience.
Learning to Trust Yourself
Your biggest challenge will be learning to trust yourself and your intuition. If you feel you are justified in your jealousy and that it is a warning sign that you must heed, then you will need to honor it and move away from the relationship. This will become apparent to you as you do the practice. If there is a problem with you situation will keep coming to your mind from the past that caused you to be jealous. If you keep feeling the person you are with is untrustworthy most likely you will keep coming back to that and no other situations will present themselves to you. Learn to really honor your gut and your intuition will become stronger.
Reacting in the Moment
The most important thing you must adhere to is to not act while you are activated in jealousy. No matter what happens remove yourself and sit with yourself and take the necessary time you need to sort it out. Waiting is a valuable tool, you can always discuss it later, but you can't get back to the activated emotional state where the answers are if you have an outburst and just go with the emotions. Wait...wait...and wait some more!
What we are really learning here is how to live more consciously and less reactively. We are learning the lessons that each of us needs to learn from the people we are in the relationship with. No matter what they do we should be grateful for the opportunity they have given us to heal ourselves and learn about what is stored in our past. They are our teachers and not our enemies as we have believed them to be.
So if you are betrayed, hurt, or mistreated, learn what you need to learn and move on from it with forgiveness. If you continue to carry your anger with you more unpleasant experiences are going to come.